


Definitely Something

by Little_Miss_Numbers



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Aromantic, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Gen, Quasiplatonic Relationship, awkward coming out, identity exploration, quasiromantic character, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 01:31:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6683959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_Miss_Numbers/pseuds/Little_Miss_Numbers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's easier to explain your sexual identity when you actually know it yourself. Too bad Steve has no clue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Definitely Something

People tended to assume Steve and Danny were dating. Steve could understand why. They spent all their time together. Steve practically co-parented Danny’s kids. And Steve wasn't entirely unaware of the soppy looks he tended to give Danny, crooked smile and all, when Danny was doing something that just reminded _why_ he was so fond of him.

Steve didn't care what other people thought. He didn't care if the entire HPD liked to whisper and glance over when the two of them walked onto a crime scene, Danny gesturing wildly at whatever it was that recently caught his ire, and Steve holding back an amused grin. Or the fact that Dennings _somehow_ \--Steve never did figure it out--got it into his head that they were in a relationship, and liked to drop little well wishes for Detective Williams during their meetings. The same way Dennings would always ask his Secretary of State how her husband was doing whenever she was present during their meetings.

"He's doing well, sir," Steve would say politely between requests for more ammunition, and explaining why exactly it had been necessary to blow up the very nice boat Dennings had lent them for a recent case. "He just signed us up to coach his daughter's softball team again this fall."

He didn't even really mind the teasing he endured from Cath after she saw him cuddle Danny that one night when they all watched the Notebook together. Though, while Cath was a good friend, Steve wished she’d stop trying to figure him out.

And sure, Danny had a nine year marriage and two normal, ten-fingered, ten-toed kids to stave off rumours, but even that didn't seem to mean as much in this day and age. And Steve knew his own glaring lack of a love-life definitely raised a few eyebrows. But since no one ever asked him directly, he figured it wasn't anyone's business.

What Steve did care about was what Danny thought. Because Steve had thought that things were good between the two of them. He thought they were great. But staring down at his phone while he dried off from his morning swim, this was the third time this week Danny was blowing him off.

***

"So he had an unexpected thing with Grace," said Mary with a shrug while she cut the sandwiches into small bite-sized triangles to share with Joan.

Joan, now a toddler with long blond hair going every which way down her back, chose that moment to walk up to Mary, arms straight up "Up! Up!" she called until Mary begrudgingly lifted her up and handed her one of the triangle pieces to snack on.

Steve felt his chest ache at the sight and wondered what had happened to his wild little sister from all those years ago. It killed him just a little bit that they were only here to visit. 

"It's not just the unexpected thing with Grace," he explained. "Two days before that it was a forgotten dentist's appointment. Last weekend Melissa surprised him with a two day getaway in Maui."

"Oh," said Mary. "He's avoiding you."

"Yes, Mary, he's avoiding me," said Steve not quite able to keep the irritation out of his voice. Mary just rolled her eyes and turned to Joan, grinning wide and making Joan smile back, mouth still full of half eaten peanut butter and jelly. 

Steve sometimes wondered if Mary was like him. He'd never heard of a boyfriend, even during her more wild years when she'd call him to bail her out of prison or help her check into rehab, he'd never seen any sign of any men: users, abusers, attempted saviours, nothing. And while he was grateful for it, the absence had always struck him as glaring.

Or maybe she was gay, but Steve had never seen any sign of that either. On the other hand, Mary had been pretty firm on her decision to stay in California even after Aunt Deb's passing, and Steve couldn't help but wonder if there was someone hiding in the wings he didn't know about.

"Well look on the bright side," said Mary with a cheery grin. "More time to spend with me and Joan."

Steve just shook his head, but as he took Joan from Mary, he couldn't help but catch her infectious smile as she grinned up at him.

***

Danny didn't show that evening either when the rest of the team came by for some barbecue. And that irked Steve even more, because this wasn't just blowing him off, Mary and Joan were only going to be here for a few days.

He sent off a text and tried to put it out of his mind for the time being. He promised himself if Danny didn't reply he'd confront him properly at work on Monday.

Down by the beach Steve could see Mary chatting with Ellie while Joan played in the sand, just out of reach of the incoming waves. It was nice to see. One of Steve's current ongoing missions was to get Ellie better acquainted with the other important people in his life.

"She's pretty," Chin commented, watching Ellie. 

Steve frowned, he had a pretty good idea where this was going. "You mean Ellie."

Steve knew Ellie was pretty. But he knew it in an intellectual way, knew what women were supposed to look like and could tell that she fit into that. Saw the way the other guys at the gym went out of their way to talk her up and impress her. But he'd never looked at her and noticed anything particularly interesting about her. She just looked normal.

"Nice of you to finally let her out a bit so the rest of can meet her," said Chin.

Steve held back a sigh. "We're not dating, Chin."

Chin looked surprised. "You haven't asked her out yet?" 

"There's no 'yet'. We're buddies. We box, we fish, we hang out," said Steve. "Just like me and you."

"Not exactly like me and you..." Chin started to say.

"Just like me and you," Steve repeated firmly.

Chin was giving Steve a curious look, and a stray thought filtered through Steve's brain that this wasn't going to help the rumours about him and Danny.

"In fact, I think you should go down there and talk to her. Make her feel welcome," Steve suggested. Effectively cutting off a potential conversation he really didn't want to have.

Chin grinned. "hiki nō," he said and walked off.

Steve felt a twinge of guilt for wanting to keep the truth from Chin. But he'd tried that route before and it never went well. This was better.

***

Danny finally showed up on Steve's doorstep late that evening, long after everyone else had gone home, and about 20 minutes after Mary had gone upstairs to bed.

"My girlfriend thinks we're sleeping together," said Danny.

He was glaring up at Steve like her mistake was somehow his doing. Steve had always liked Melissa, he felt irrationally betrayed to know she was the cause of all of this.

"That's ridiculous," said Steve.

"That's what I told her," said Danny. "And then she started explaining her reasoning, and I gotta tell you Steve, by the end of it even _I_ was starting think we were having an affair.”

“Danny--” Steve started.

“Look, I just need to know,” interrupted Danny, one hand up to keep Steve quiet. “Are you in love with me?”

“Jesus Christ,” said Steve.

“Look, no judgment,” Danny continued, starting to babble. “I’m not upset, and if you need space or whatever--”

"Danny, I'm not in love with you," said Steve flatly.

Danny's expression turned from almost patronizing understanding to deep skepticism. 

Steve sighed. "Why don't you come in, I'll put some coffee on."

 

"You know, I'm not an idiot, Steven. I'm a detective, I detect, it's what I'm trained for," Danny insisted when he came in. "I've known you what? Six years now? I've never even seen you look at a girl. Let alone something as daring as actually going on a date. The first time we met Kono she was wearing the skimpiest bikini I'd ever seen and you didn't even look. You looked her right in the eye and complimented her right hook."

"I'm not gay," said Steve.

Danny looked skeptical and Steve could tell he’d already reached his own conclusions.

Steve busied himself with the coffee and tried to gather his thoughts, he had no idea where to even begin explaining this. "Yeah, you ever seen me look at any guys?" Steve asked. "There's no shortage of barely clothed men on this island."

"You're telling me you do like women?" asked Danny.

"It's complicated," said Steve, after a long pause, not quite meeting Danny eyes.

"Well then explain it, because I'm officially confused.”

Steve sighed, the coffee was ready so he poured two cups and passed one to Danny. "I used to think I was bi." He stared down into his own cup, watched the milk swirl around. "I never had any preference when it came to gender and that's what that means, right?

"I don't know when I figured out it was neither instead of both. I think it was gradual. I think I probably always knew it on some level, my brain just couldn't quite process it."

He made himself look up and meet Danny’s eye.

Danny was staring back at him, frowning. Steve felt exposed and he didn’t like it, it felt weird putting it into words. It somehow made it seem simpler than it was.

"You sure you're not confused?" asked Danny. “Because you’re not making a lot of sense, Babe.”

Steve gripped his coffee mug and pretended the words didn’t hurt. “I’m not confused,” he said firmly.

Danny’s frown just deepened. “I’m not trying to fight here, I’m just saying, have you actually tried sex? Maybe--”

"I've had sex, Danny." 

He still remembered his first time, 19 and, just before he was due to start his SQT training, hoping none of the bar staff would demand ID. She was petite, black hair, and he'd chosen her based more on the reactions of his buddies than anything that jumped out to him about her specifically. She hadn't been fooled though. Steve remembered her asking from her ensuite bathroom afterwards, while he lay there relieved it was done, "So are you gay or something?"

She hadn't sounded bothered, mostly just curious.

"Or something," Steve had agreed staring up at the ceiling not feeling any of the things he had thought he would. He thought maybe he was broken.

It got easier every time, but never quite made it to the point that Steve really enjoyed it. And deciding he never wanted to do it again was one of the most freeing decisions he'd ever made.

“And?” asked Danny bringing Steve out of a mess of memories.

“Not really my thing, Danno.”

Steve watched Danny across the table, turning the coffee mug slowly, eyes faraway and Steve could tell he was processing what he'd been saying. Steve found himself gripping his own mug, feeling the heat radiating through it impatiently waiting for an answer.

"If you can have sex, you can get hard," said Danny, finally. "Something turns you on."

"Seriously? That's what you took out of that?" asked Steve.

"I’m just trying to figure this all out here," countered Danny, sounding just as frustrated as Steve felt. "You say the plumbing works, well then there's an interest in something. That's how it works."

Before Steve could think of how to even start taking that apart, Danny asked, "Do you masturbate?"

Steve stared back at Danny. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Look I'm just trying to understand what you're telling me here," said Danny. "Just give me a yes or no."

"Sometimes," Steve admitted, feeling his face heat up as he admitted it. Wondering where exactly it was he'd lost control of this conversation, and talking about _this_ of all things.

"Alright then, and when you do, what are you thinking about?"

Steve blinked. "I don't think about anything," he said honestly. Well it wasn't quite true. Steve thought about everything, from what he was going to do for supper to when was he going to deal with that pile of paperwork he still needed to get to on his desk at work, while he impatiently waited for the stimulation to do its job. But nothing like what Danny was talking about.

"It's not what you think it is,” Steve continued, stumbling a bit as he tried to explain. “it's just physical. It feels like a build up that needs a release. I only do it to avoid nocturnal emissions."

Steve wasn't sure what kind of answer Danny expected, but he looked a little stunned by the one he got. 

“So you’ve never--” Danny started, then stopped. 

Steve shrugged. “It’s not a big deal.”

“It’s kind of a big deal,” countered Danny. “Steve, that’s--that’s bizarre.”

Steve gripped his coffee mug and felt his face heat up all over again. “Really?” he asked. “Are you sure about that? Because all these years I had no idea any of this was unusual.”

Danny looked startled. “Okay, that was a shitty choice of words,” he admitted. “But you gotta understand how far out of left field this is.” He rubbed his temple, “Look, I’m sorry. I’m not handling this well. This just wasn’t what I was expecting.”

Steve could feel himself relaxing.

“Yeah, I know,” he told Danny.

Danny took a sip of his coffee. “You know, I had a great aunt who never married.”

Steve raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t think it was your thing though,” Danny continued. “She had this thing about trusting men. She came into a lot of money and she thought that’s all they were interested in. In the end she died and left all of it to some fund for saving snapping turtles.”

Steve laughed and Danny grinned back at him. 

“My uncle Jimmy was irate,” said Danny. He gave Steve a significant look. “So you still haven’t explained us.”

"Us?" asked Steve suddenly confused. "We're friends."

"Friends," Danny repeated flatly.

"Best friends," said Steve.

"Our boundaries are so far past 'best friend', Babe. And don't give me that look, you're just as aware of it as I am. Don't think I didn't notice how it was always you who barrelled past each one like they weren’t even there."

Steve just stared back at Danny. He had no idea what to tell him. He just didn't have the vocabulary to explain the kind of feelings Danny stirred in Steve. The giddiness and the obsession, the need to show off, the desire to get closer so strong it actually ached, all without a hint of romantic drive to justify any of it. How he loved without actually loving Danny.

So Steve decided to joke instead. "Danno, are you breaking up with me?"

Danny looked completely unimpressed. "I know it physically pains you to have to talk about feelings, but do you think maybe this one time, considering the circumstances, you can humour me?"

Danny asked again, "So what are we?"

Steve answered honestly this time. "I don't know." He'd thought about it though, even before this night's events. "We're definitely something, though."

Danny nodded, apparently more satisfied with his answer this time. Steve watched him, waiting anxiously for a reaction, either positive or negative. But Danny gave him neither. He gulped down the rest of his coffee and dropped the mug back on the table. "It's late, I should get going."

"Yeah," said Steve. "Alright."

Steve saw him out. 

It wasn't until Danny was out the door and halfway to the Camaro Steve managed to ask, "Hey, we're good, right?"

Danny turned back around. "I don't know," he said. "I need some time to process everything."

Steve nodded and told himself it was fair, even if he didn't actually like it.

Danny continued to the Camaro. Then stopped again. "Hey, we're still on tomorrow for lunch, right?"

"Yeah," said Steve, not able to hold back a smile. "I'll see you tomorrow."

***

Steve startled when he walked back into the house and saw Mary sitting on the stairs waiting for him.

"How much did you hear?" he asked. Except he knew how the acoustics in this house worked. And if she'd been awake, it would have been easy enough to move to the top of the stairs and overhear the whole conversation.

"You jerk," she said, standing up. The last time Steve had seen properly Mary mad at him, she'd been 15 years old and he'd told her he was leaving on a tour and wouldn't see her again for at least 8 months. Despite the fact nearly 20 years had past, she looked surprisingly similar, eyes flashing and somehow making herself far more imposing than her petite body should ever allow.

"How long?" she demanded. "How long you known and you just let me go on thinking I was the only one?"

She poked Steve's chest, "Huh?" and Steve put his hands on her shoulders and the next thing he knew he was hugging her tightly and even though she was obviously upset, he couldn't help the deep feeling of relief that flooded through him. 

From the way Mary's arms wrapped around him and gripped him tightly, Steve thought she probably felt the same.

She felt like a lifeline and he hadn’t even realised he’d been drowning.

"We're a pretty weird pair, aren't we?" asked Steve after a while.

"No, you and me are normal," said Mary firmly, disagreeing as she disentangled herself. "Everyone else is weird."

Steve laughed. “Yeah,” he agreed.

“I should get to bed,” said Mary yawning, looking much calmer than she had five minutes ago. “As much fun as this self-discovery cumbaya stuff is, Joan’s going to wake me up at dawn, major life realizations or not.”

Steve smirked. There was an odd giddiness bubbling just under the surface that made him feel jumpy. “Night, Mare.”

Mary turned to go. “Oh and Steve?” she asked turning back. “I’m really glad, you know, that you’re not weird, too.”

"Yeah," Steve agreed. "Yeah, me too."


End file.
